is your mom at the bar?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
