why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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