Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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