I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
