Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So squirting runs in the family.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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