Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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