1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
