I checked into jail on foursquare
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
