Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
