Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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