my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
