i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You took a bar mat shot.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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