I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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