I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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