Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
