I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
