Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
