he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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