I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
