So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
