Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
love makes seman taste better
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
