This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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