My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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