gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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