just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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