did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She's the barista slut.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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