Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
