1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
