Dual....:-)
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
