Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
