R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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