I am puke
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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