Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
