Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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