I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
