I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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