i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
