I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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