did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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