Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
