it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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