i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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