You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
