I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
