Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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