**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
