hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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