i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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