I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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