I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
