Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
