someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
