$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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