No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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